Baby Bumping

She wrote:

“Hi there,
I was wondering if there are any couples or a woman who would like to hook up with a pregnant gal. I am definitely showing, with a big round belly. I am 5’7, 175 (pre-preg) with light brown hair and blue eyes and nice big tits (thanks to this pregnancy) that like to sucked and licked. Ideally, I would like a couple or a woman, but might accept a man. I cannot host, as I have a husband at home. I am very horny and very ready to have some fun. Thanks for reading.”

John wrote:

I am not writing to you because I am interested in your proposition. Rather, I wish to do everything I can not only for your safety but also for the safety of your unborn child, and possibly the safety of both of your souls.

I was a lifelong member of The Circle of Jesus Friends, a small Fundamentalist sect of Christianity founded on the belief that the Earth is only 246 years old and that the Anti-Christ is alive and well in the form of an azalea bush located somewhere in Butte, Montana.

My wife and I were active, dedicated members of the church who attended services, participated in adult Sunday School, tithed, and scrubbed our nipples with cabbage on the third of every month in accordance to our teachings.  We were far from perfect, however.

Although our church was strictly against engaging in intercourse while pregnant,  a passion burned in my loins and the loins of my wife. For just one night, we gave way to temptation and turned our backs on what we knew to be good and decent. My wife and I made love despite the fact that she was due in less than a month. I had always considered my ten-inch penis to be a gift from God. Now I see it for the mechanism of destruction that it really is.

At first, it didn’t seem that anything was wrong. We felt a little guilty about the whole ordeal, but everyone sins and our doctor had assured us that it was perfectly safe for my wife to have sex while pregnant. Imagine our horror when our son was born with a three-inch indent in the center of his forehea in the shape of the tip of my penis!

Apparently, our son had been situated upside down in my wife’s womb with his head resting at the end of her vagina tube. I was going at it extra hard that night, so I felt little to no resistance as my penis pushed into the soft, pulpy mass of his forehead. His skull hardened shortly thereafter with the indent still in tact.

The doctors told us it was a miracle that he survived. As he grew older, it became apparent that he had suffered a certain level of brain damage from the ordeal. He’s eight now but still hasn’t spoken a word of English—instead, he yips in a manner comparable to a Yorkshire terrier and continually tries to eat his own feces despite repeated scolding.

The kids beat him up every day at school and even his so-called “friend” was not to be trusted. Turns out that one of his classmates was stuffing Silly Putty into the dent every day then taking it home to his father who would bake it in the oven and sell it as the basis of a homemade dildo business.

I’m simply asking you to think about what you’re doing. My wife and I were good, faithful Christians who have still never even seen each other naked. (We cut a hole in a sheet that I stick my penis through.) Despite our dedication, God punished us for disobeying His teachings by giving our son a penis dent in his forehead. Please, I beg you, don’t make the same mistake we did.

Sincerely,
John Kirby

Sympathy for the Virus

She wrote:

“My ex-bf gave me HPV (pretty sure that’s what it is- warts) and I don’t have money to see a doctor… but I’m extremely horny! Problem is, HPV can be spread even with condom use. I feel so disgusted with myself and so pissed off at my ex for cheating on me and then leaving me with a “farewell present”…
This fucking sucks! I want to have sex but will not in good conscience just screw somebody, bc then I would be no better than my ex. (Asshole!)  And my vibrator is becoming very boring! I’d buy another one for variety but can’t afford that either!
I’m going to try to see if I qualify for the “free clinic” even though it’s super-embarassing…
Any suggestions?”

John wrote:

God, that sucks so bad that your boyfriend gave you genital warts, especially right before Valentine’s Day. As a person who has HPV himself, let me start off by telling you what NOT to do:

1.    DO NOT listen to The Country Doctor’s Book of Home Remedies when it advises you to “scrape the infected area with a cheese grater” then “purge the cysts” with boiling salt water. Granted, they removed this “cure” in the 1902 edition, but still, this is personal experience talking.

2.    DO NOT volunteer to read children’s books to the chimpanzees at the zoo while wearing only a threadbare pair of khakis and no underwear. Believe it or not, the chimpanzees can contract the virus through your pants if they sit on your lap without a diaper. This is even more likely if they start forcibly humping your crotch. (Chimpanzees are a horny bunch—you try telling them to stop once they get going.) Afterward, have fun explaining to the zookeeper how all the females in the group ended up with your genital warts.

3.    DO NOT use your vibrator to stir a food product like pancake batter after said vibrator has been exposed to your virus. Granted, this one is pretty obvious, but there are a lot of dumb-asses out there who don’t know any better. I guess it’s a new trend on Martha Stewart or something to use vibrators as a stirring utensil. I suppose that’s great when you’re Martha Stewart and you have all the money in the world to buy a new vibrator whenever you want to make a cake, but this isn’t very realistic to the average working stiff like you and me.

Here’s what I’ve found to work:

1.    Instead of scratching your warts when they itch, try rubbing a designated soft and fluffy object against the infected area. Some people use a pillow or stuffed animal. Personally, I preferred rubbing/grinding against my poodle. Granted, she ended up with genital warts as well, but guess what—JUDGMENTAL ZOOKEEPERS CAN’T SEE INSIDE MY HOUSE.

2.    Go to the store and buy a pack of gumdrops. Take a gumdrop out of the bag and hold it in front of your largest genital wart. This wart is most likely the “leader” of all the other warts. Even if he’s not, the other warts probably respect and admire him, so undermining his authority is the key to defeating the rest of them. Is this wart bigger than the gumdrop in your hand? Probably not. Hold the gumdrop in a very threatening manner, right at the wart’s eye-level. Have it stare down the little fucker. Squeeze the gumdrop to make it look even more angry and threatening. If you do this long enough, the wart will cower in fear until it completely vanishes taking all the other warts with it. This process is highly effective, but often takes a very, very long time to work.

3.    I’ve never done this last one, but this idea just occurred to me. Everyone knows that frogs cause warts, but what happens if you already have warts? My guess is that they cancel each other out and both your warts and the frog will vanish on contact. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor, but it makes sense to me. Even if it doesn’t work, at least you get to rub a frog against your genitals. Maybe you should try it and write me back with the results. If it works, I’ll split the profits with you 50/50.

Anyway, I hope you have a very Happy Valentine’s Day despite your little problem. Remember, don’t sweat the small stuff! I got that from a book. I don’t currently have any plans for V-Day. It’s just me and the poodle, but you’re more than welcome to come hang out with us if you want. You’re open-minded, right?

Good luck!
John Kirby

We Only Have to Fear Butt-Plugs Themselves

She wrote:

“I have a special strap on that is for a man to use, it has a small 4 inch long dildo that is destined for my anus while you off course insert your penis in my vagina, lol Sounds so scientific, but I am a biology teacher so I can’t help it. I like to start with mutual cunnilingus, then when we are both very horny and ready, you will put on a condom, I have 3 sizes :) and you will have sex with me in the doggy style position. That’s my thing. I am really not concerned with the way you look, off course, I am sorry but if you are grossly overweight, do not bother and also it would be very nice if you had a penis at least bigger than my dildo hehe”

John wrote:

Dear Ma’am,

I am not at all interested in engaging in sexual intercourse with you. Rather, I am writing to you out of concern for your wellbeing. Please do me a favor and get the anal strap-on that you describe in your ad. Turn it over. Does it say “Made in China?” I thought so. Hopefully you have not yet inserted it in your anus. Allow me to explain:

I used to work for a sex toy company called All-American Anal Explosions, Inc. Sex toy companies in the states must import their butt-plugs from a mega-manufacturer in China due to an archaic law passed in the 1930’s under the Roosevelt administration that outlawed the production of all butt-plugs for the next 100 years.

The story goes that Eleanor Roosevelt walked in on FDR giving it to a prostitute from behind on a bear rug in front of a fireplace with a similar apparatus to the one you described. Supposedly, this was a regular ritual of his to prep himself for one of his many famous radio addresses. Now, it’s well known that Eleanor was a dyke who had her own little affairs, so she wasn’t upset about her husband cheating on her, but, as a woman of many bizarre religious superstitions, she was thoroughly convinced that probing a hooker’s asshole in such a way would unleash an “army of invisible hobgoblins” upon the White House.

After walking in on this for the fifth time in a row, Eleanor got so pissed off that she demanded that FDR not only stop engaging in anal butt sex with prostitutes but that he also outlaw the production of any such devices all-together. Initially, he refused, claiming his wife had nothing to fear but fear itself—the same argument he used on tentative prostitutes who were unsure about his increasingly kinky sexual desires. He called Eleanor an “idiotic woman-child” with a “vagina so long deprived of the male sex organ that its tangled bush of pubic hair might better serve as a toupee for Winston Churchill.”

Eleanor was never one to back down from a fight as she declared that he could not make her feel inferior without her consent. To further prove her point, she dumped him out of his wheelchair and held his face in the presidential toilet until he promised to outlaw the devices. (There’s an alternate version of the story that states that she taped his eyelids open and forced him to stare at her long, shriveled tits like “empty Christmas stockings dangling down to her knees.” The only verified source for this story comes from a eulogy delivered at Roosevelt’s funeral by Harry S. Truman—a man who was known for embellishing the facts for the purposes of humor even under the bleakest of circumstances. Personally, I find this version a little far-fetched.)

Anyway, sorry for the history lesson. The point is that ALL butt-plugs have been manufactured by the same Chinese company since that time. All-American Anal Explosions, Inc. had to put out a major recall of our anal strap-ons that ended up putting the entire company out of business. Since all these devices come from the same overseas plant, there is not reason to suspect that your toy is any safer than the ones we formerly sold.

I’m sure you’re aware of all the recent Chinese recalls. Turns out, the anal strap-ons were made of poly-plasticized something-or-other. In other words, radioactive lead-based plastic. I know it all sounds very scientific, but you’re a biology teacher, so I figure you understand what this means. In case you don’t, allow me to explain:

It turns out Eleanor Roosevelt was right, sort of. Lately, people have been having bizarre reactions to the Chinese-made butt-plugs. The effects aren’t immediate. They can take months, if not years, to materialize, but once they do, you’ll regret the day you ever bought the Ass-Rammer 2000©. Apparently, the plastic of the toy forms a slow-burning chemical reaction with the tissue of your lower intestine that will one day cause continuous neon purple anal leakage that reeks of sulfur effectively turning the victim into a so-called “human skunk.” The glop smells so bad the victim and any passersby within 100 feet almost always pass out, vomit, or both. In many cases, the reaction eats through the victim’s internal organs like a lighting-quick cancer that envelops one’s vital organs and rots them out like last year’s Halloween pumpkin. At best, you will smell so bad that no man or woman will ever set foot near you again. And all your poop will be purple.

Anyway, I just thought I’d throw out that friendly little warning. If you haven’t used your anal butt-plug yet, PLEASE toss it out now while you’re still safe! If you have, there’s one known cure, but I’m getting kind of tired, and I need to head to bed.

Cheers,
John Kirby

Attorney at Law

She wrote:

“Giving you a BJ will make me happy for days. I will make you cum and cum and cum. I’m 5’8, 140 and have lovely curves. Make me want u when u write.”

John wrote:

Hey sexy,

Oo, baby, I’m getting turned on just reading your ad. Don’t even bother reading any of the other replies you’ll receive—THIS is the only one that matters. I’m 6’4”, 190 pounds, blue eyes, and thick wavy black hair. I work out five days a week and can bench press 340. My muscles ripple noticeably under my $1,200 business suits while I work as a high-powered prosecutor at one of our city’s most prestigious law firms. I actually ripped my shirt in half once while reaching for a stapler. I’ve also ripped my pants, but that was when I got a boner after a judge announced a verdict in our favor.

I guess you could call me a bit of a “Metro-sexual,” but you sort of have to be in my business. I’m expected to get manicures, and whiten my teeth, and my firm makes us eat these special mints that make your farts smell like oven-fresh pork chops. But the thing I primp and pamper most is my thick, luxurious coat of back hair. That’s right, baby, I hope you have homeowner’s insurance because your house is about to be flooded with your own pussy juice.

Just imagine us in bed together, after a long, intense session of steamy hot lovemaking. We hold each other, you gazing deeply into my sexy blue man-eyes, mesmerized by the depth of your passion for me. You lean in and whisper in my ear, sweetly, sensually, “Turn over, baby, so I can play with that sexy back hair…”

Fuck! My boner just ripped my boxers in two. Hold on…

Okay, I’m back. So, we’re laying in bed, my back is turned to you. Your eyes are big as saucers as you gaze upon a field of coal black back hair so beautiful it brings tears to your eyes. You can’t wait to dig both hand into that manly mane of back hair, all the way up to the elbows. You imagine the black ringlets curling around your fingers like the promise of wedding rings. The little droplets of sex-induced sweat dripping off the hair and running down your arms like the fertile seed of my loins swimming around in your ox-head shaped uterus like a chart from an eighth-grade sex education class. You can’t get enough of my back hair. You want to do nothing more than spend the next four hours in bed, meticulously braiding it into cornrows all-the-while having spontaneous orgasm after explosive orgasm simply by holding it in your hands.

I smile knowingly and say, “That’s right, baby, reach in, right between my shoulder blades…daddy has a little surprise for you.” You reach in until your hand disappears, then your forearm. Suddenly, you feel something move! You quickly pull your arm out, alarmed. “Shh, baby,” I say, “It’s okay, daddy won’t let anything bad happen to my baby.” You hear a whimper come from deep within by back hair. You reach in again. Slowly. Cautiously. Your hand touches something soft. You smile at me. I smile back. It’s a puppy!

It’s a cocker spaniel with a pink bow tied around its neck and great big adorable puppy dog eyes and it’s all for YOU. I had it hidden in there the whole time we were making love just to surprise you in this moment. We lay together in bed. Naked. Sexilicous. Your new puppy playfully licks your face. I begin to suck your nipples. The puppy becomes insanely jealous of the fact that I have a thicker coat than it does and tries to suck your opposite nipple. “Bad puppy!” I shout and slap it so hard it flies across the room and bounces off the wall. But don’t worry. I put some foam insulation up just in case this would happen. You sigh in sweet admiration of my irresistible manliness as my rock hard 13-inch cock sinks deep into your dripping wet pussy like a grizzly bear drowning in a lake of grape Jell-O.

Sincerely,
John Kirby

Physics of Phone Sex

She wrote:

“Boyfriend out of town and trying to be good!

Played all alone last night, and it was nice but looking for someone with a great voice for some phone! Are you sensuous, erotic, communicative? I have toys but want to hear a man’s side.

Send me a sample Of your creativity, eroticism AND a phone # to reach you. NOT interested in someone young and inexperienced!!! Sorry guys…need someone who know what a WOMAN needs, wants and desires! I’m ready and waiting!”

John wrote:

Hey baby,

I’m a very sexy, sensual 55 year-old man. I promise, if you give me a chance, I’ll make your tight little snatch squirt steaming hot vaginal fluid ten feet across the room using only my voice and imagination. How do I know this? Well, let’s just my wife’s nickname used to be “Old Faithful” if you catch my drift. She was a nasty, nasty fuckslut who loved it when my friends and I would gangbang her in every hole until the sun came up and she was drenched in cum. Funny thing is she was never satisfied until we each squatted over her and took a huge shit on her face. She died in a car crash while delivering Meals on Wheels to elderly shut-ins. LOL

Anyway, here’s what I want you to do: e-mail me back with your phone number, then put your cell phone on vibrate and shove it up your twat. I know this may sound odd, but I am truly a phone sex artist, and I utilize ALL aspects of the medium. And don’t even think about telling me it won’t fit. You’re 40 years old. You’d be lucky if you could fit a football up there without it falling out as soon as you stand up, so don’t be a diva.

Next, I’ll call you over and over again for about half an hour or so. Sure, you could accomplish the same thing with a vibrator, but it wouldn’t be as hot as knowing that a stranger half way across the country is making your vagina vibrate like a bowl of Jell-o with the push of a button. You may feel a slight electrical shock at some point, but REMAIN CALM. Pussy juice is an excellent conductor of electricity, but there is not enough power in your cell phone to harm you. At worst, it might cause your pubic hair to stand on end. One woman told me that her nipples started sparking, but she also claimed Oprah’s twin sister, so whatever.

After this, I’ll give you a few minutes to remove the phone, wipe it down if you want, and I’ll call again. This time, answer it but DO NOT BE ALARMED AT THE SOUND OF MY VOICE. Based on what women traditionally prefer, you might not think my voice is very “sexy,” so to speak. Truth is, I’ve been a chain smoker since I was five and I had to have a tracheotomy a couple years ago due to throat cancer. Now I have to press down on a little microphone thingy in my throat and I sound like a robot when I talk, but it’s not all bad. Do you like Stephen Hawking? Because I’m really good at pretending to be him. I even took a physics class once back in high school.

My favorite fantasy involves Stephen Hawking (me) doing research on a woman (you) who is found to have a black hole inside her mouth. Remember, nothing can escape the suction of a black hole, not even Stephen Hawking’s dick. We test this theory a few times and I discover you have another black hole living in your ass that’s about to implode and destroy you in the process. I save your life by clogging it with my cock. Anyway, the fantasy ends with you writing my final equation on a chalkboard: “E equals MC slut.”

The only problem is that I need to take breaks every five minutes or so to smoke through the hole in my throat, but you can just rub yourself or whatever during that time. Sound good? Oh, by the way, what’s your race? If you’re black, I have this whole other fantasy involving dark matter–especially the large quantities of it I end up finding in your ass.

Creative enough for you? I just hope you didn’t cum already while you were reading this. Anyway, write me back with your number.

Mwuah!
John Kirby